George Lucas Must Die

George Lucas Must Die (2003)

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the Powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such tyranny, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Product Distribution. The history of the present King of the Industry is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over mankind. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

1. He has gone back and F'd up the original Star Wars in ways too numerous to count, and won't let either the original or the F'd up version be transfered to DVD. 
2. He won't let Raiders be released on DVD. 
3. He sucks.

Let the following EZpoll be conducted, and the world be our judge:

• Your Vote Is Important

Of course, when we initially proposed that George Lucas be made to die, we were only half-joking. Since that time, we've received numerous letters, most of them also half-joking. But then we received a letter from an anonymous party who seems genuinely interested in achieving the death of George Lucas. Of course, we are deeply troubled by this, but the public has a right to know, so here:

To Whom It May Concern: We are offering $7500 for anyone who kills George Lucas. After you have killed George Lucas, you need to create an anonymous email account and send a message tomrtuttle@hotmail.com. At this point, you must provide some knowledge which links you to the crime (e.g. direct cause of death, exact time, what Lucas was wearing, a place). If your information is later verified (e.g. in the news, police reports, etc), you will be instructed on how to set up an anonymous foreign bank account into which the money will be deposited. Now go away, and may the force be with you, and not George Lucas. Sincerely, Mr. Tuttle et al.